by Texas Stready
Been home from jail for a month and a half. The horror of spending ten months there has lifted. The excitement of my homecoming has worn off. The intense thrill of watching my son get married is gone. The fear of dealing with probation has subsided. The worry of finding a place is settled.
You’d think all this would put me at ease. Not really. Life is closing in on me.
Addiction of any kind is used to provide temporary escape. When people, problems and pressures gets to be too much, we want out.
Life isn’t organized and orderly–I hate that. I think this is true for most people. Years I’ve spent with things out of order in my head. That meant keeping things around me in order was a must.
God is revamping everything. My surroundings right now are a mess but my relationship with Him is straight.
Were it not for my brother Buddy’s warm acceptance of my 99th “do-over,” who knows where I’d be. He has also allowed space for my daughter and her two children during this time of transition. It’s hard. Hard on him and his wife, as well as the four of us.
Pierce is a very active five year old and Solace is two-months. My daughter Azlynn is a 25-year-old working, single mother. God has shown me she is someone to be proud of too (different blog).
Nothing here has a place or pattern for us. Life is disorganized to say the least. Missing Ninja Turtles, pacifiers, cell phones and car keys. I have no driver’s license or car. Not fun. Although I’m here as her mom, to keep the children, I’m sure sometimes she feels like she has a third child. One you have to obey. Not cool.
There are four adults here. We occupy the roles of sister, mother, in-law, brother, uncle, aunt, niece, and grandma. Too many chiefs and not enough Indians, for sure.
Then there’s the usual cohabitation issues.
- Who drank the last of the tea?
- When will your clothes be out of the washer?
- Why are you parked in my parking space?
- Is there any more toilet paper?
Let’s not forget the temptations. Illegal ways to make money, ungodly ways to get attention, and the desire to have a cocktail or two—or three.
Why in the world did I give up the old life to embark on the new? Easy. Because none of the old stuff fills the void. It adds to the madness and brings no satisfaction. What’s taken me a lifetime to realize, is that I have a space which can only be occupied by its creator. God made me with this gap so I would realize my need for Him.
I can finally identify with the early Americans. “Give me liberty or give me death.”
Tired of the fillers. I want the real deal.
Jesus brings contentment to the chaos.